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My eldest is in sixth grade — the in-between, awkward years. He’s 12 and a deep thinker and feeler, prone to introspection. He prefers drawing and writing graphic novels over sports.
While these traits can be celebrated in adulthood, they seem to make him an easy target in the social hierarchy of middle school.
Sometimes, he comes home gloomy because he was picked last for another recess activity. Other times, he shares hurtful things peers said to him.
I always report these hurtful words to his teachers, who are supportive and speak privately with the peers involved. Still, the comments keep coming.
As a mother, it’s difficult to watch my child suffer from bullying or unfair treatment. I want to fight the battles for my son. Or, at the very least, let him play hooky from school so he won’t have to face them.
However, I also know I can’t fight every battle for him.
My son got into a fight at school
With pent-up emotion, my son recently retaliated toward a peer who’d been harassing him at school. He kicked and punched this classmate in the stomach.
An aide quickly broke them up. Still, my son had to miss a school day, per the handbook’s rules for physically fighting.
It wasn’t the first time he’d physically acted out, but the last time was back in the third grade — and I was surprised to hear about his reaction.
At home, my husband and I explained to our son that we understood his frustrations. Still, he needed to get a teacher or other school personnel involved next time.
My son shrugged and said, “But every time I go to an adult, nothing changes.”
I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him into a tight hug, letting him know I understood his feelings and emphasizing that he still needed to seek an adult next time.
“Yeah, I know,” he said with a sad smile.
I wish I could protect him, but I can’t shelter him from the world forever
My son shouldn’t have resorted to physical retaliation, but I understand how he reached his breaking point. In grade school, I silently suffered through years of bullying, never having the gumption to defend myself.
In fifth grade, I was harassed by a kid who wanted me to say I liked him, and I refused. For weeks, he mimicked my voice when I answered a question and once told me I needed a nose job.
After the nose job comment, I finally told my mom about the harassment, and she told my teacher, who swiftly changed the seating arrangements so I no longer sat near my bully.
Although distance helped, and I’m grateful for the support adults offered me, I also wish I’d learned to speak up for myself more.
I want to be a force of change for my son, but I struggle because while I feel the need to protect him, I also know that growth often comes through adversity.
While I encourage him to go to a teacher about any conflict, I recognize that he also needs to be more assertive, confident, and clear about his feelings when being bullied. If he could present himself like this when he’s teased, I believe he’d be less of a target.
I can’t learn his life lessons for him, so the best I can do is be his advocate and provide him with a safe place to share his emotions. And hope he eventually learns to use his words instead of his fists.
