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- Cynthia Loya, 28, can access her husband’s phone and social media accounts.
- Cynthia’s husband, Jorge Loya, 27, shared his phone and social media account passwords with Cynthia while they were dating.
- Having her husband’s passwords, without having to ask for them, makes her feel safe and secure in their marriage.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Cynthia Loya. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I didn’t ask for my husband’s phone or social media passwords, but his willingness to offer them while we were dating has made me feel even safer in our marriage.
My husband Jorge and I went to high school together. We knew of each other, but we never talked to each other or spent time together. In 2021, he sent me a Facebook friend request. I thought, “Oh yeah, I know him, so I’ll accept it.” After we connected on Facebook he started sliding into my DM’s on Instagram when he knew I was single, and that’s how we reconnected.
After hanging out that summer of 2021, we started dating and were inseparable.
He gave me his passwords 3 months into dating
About three months into dating, he randomly texted me his phone and social media passwords. He said, “This is my password to everything. I want you to have it.” I responded, “It’s OK. I don’t need your password. I trust you.” He said, “I still want you to have it.”
We continued dating and then about a month later, he texted me the password to his social media and phone again. I knew he was trying to communicate his seriousness about our connection, but I never gave up my password at this stage. We were still just dating, and sharing my password felt like a lot.
When we were more serious, Jorge needed to use my phone for something, and since he didn’t know my password yet, I shared it with him. I said, “This is the password I use for everything and if you need to use it, you can feel free.”
When Jorge and I began our relationship, we both had boys who happened to be the same age from previous relationships, which we were fine with. About four months into dating, we started talking about marriage, and I knew that’s when I had to be clear that I didn’t want any more kids, but he did. We couldn’t agree on whether to have more children, so I decided to break things off with him.
After a short separation of about two weeks, he realized he was OK with not having any more children and just wanted to be with me. But as fate would have it, within the month after we got back together, I got pregnant.
We got married in January 2022. Even though we got married six months into the relationship, there was a lot of honesty and communication within those six months.
People on the internet said we were controlling
When I shared that my husband and I know each other’s phone and social media passwords on TikTok, I couldn’t believe how many people were upset. People argued in the comments, saying we were controlling and shouldn’t be together if we can’t trust each other. But we’re married and share everything — not only passwords but also bank accounts.
Before meeting my husband, I caught my previous partner talking and flirting with other women on social media. A year into our marriage, I had never checked his phone despite having his password since we were dating, but one night, I woke up randomly in the middle of the night and decided to check it. I wanted to make sure he wasn’t talking to or flirting with other people on social media like my last partner.
I went through every social media account and his messages and found nothing. I put his phone back and went to sleep. I didn’t tell him I went through his phone because I didn’t want him to think I didn’t trust him, and he gave me his password for a reason.
I finally told him I went through his phone a few months later. He was OK with me checking but said what I experienced with my ex-partner was in the past, and he would never do anything to harm our family or marriage.
A month or two after I confessed to checking his phone for the first time, I felt him take my phone while he thought I was sleeping. I moved to make it seem like I was waking up, and he quickly put my phone back under the pillow. I never told him I was awake, but I was fine he went through my phone.
I haven’t checked his phone since then, and to my knowledge, he hasn’t checked mine. It’s always there. I have access to it but don’t have a reason to go through it.
I’ve never had a partner offer to give me their passwords, and knowing my husband would willingly give me access without asking plays a big role in my feeling secure in our marriage.
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