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- Eli Milliman became a stay-at-home dad when his wife started a full-time job and excelled in it.
- The couple has faced criticism from their conservative community for reversing traditional roles.
- Their open-minded approach has strengthened their family bonds and allowed for personal growth.
This as-told-to-me essay is based on a conversation with Eli Milliman, a 46-year-old stay-at-home dad in Florence, Alabama. The story has been edited for length and clarity.
My wife, Shannon, and I grew up together in a conservative Christian community in Utah. When we married, we agreed that family and education were both important, so we earned English degrees and had five kids.
We moved from Utah to Oregon in 2002 as wide-eyed creators with a penchant for performing. I dreamed of having an in-home recording studio where I could write and produce music and videos.
We both worked, taking turns watching the kids.
We just wanted someone to be home
We discussed our belief in having someone home with the children before getting married. I told her I didn’t take pride in the idea that I must be the breadwinner because I’m the man.
We traded off as part-time substitute teachers, and I also worked various other jobs. When we realized that the gig economy wasn’t making ends meet, one of us had to get a full-time job.
Shannon found work before I did at the Kroger Corporation in 2012. She excelled and started climbing the corporate ladder.
We realized that even if I got a job right then, I wouldn’t make the money she makes, so I slid into the stay-at-home dad role. I continued to do odd jobs here and there: roofing, construction, painting, and recording musicians in my home studio.
Our natural roles were opposite to the norm
Shannon was better at some of the “fatherly duties” and I was more of a natural nurturer, “motherly,” kind of person. It felt like I should be staying home with the kids.
Shannon has told me I’m very good at calming storms, seeing the big picture, and keeping things afloat. I enjoy being around our children and being there when they need something.
Our youngest had difficulty with a form of dyslexia in elementary school. I don’t think her teacher’s teaching style worked for her, so I pulled her out and homeschooled her.
I’ve faced a lot of criticism
“Eli’s not pulling his weight.” “A woman’s place is in the home.” These are some of the comments we’ve heard within our community, mostly from conservative Christians. My parents even had concerns and questioned our decision to have me be a stay-at-home dad.
These expectations are so ingrained in our psyche that they still come up in frustrating moments.
At times, Shannon says to me, “You’re the man. You should be out working, and I should be the one at home.” She’s a heart-on-her-sleeve kind of person, a poet, and an actor. Recently, she wrote basically a hate poem about me, and it was amazing. I laughed so hard.
She also wrote and performed a one-woman show where I was the villain. The narrative was that I was never the husband she thought she would have someday.
A lot of our marriage has been struggling with that dynamic
Strangers, friends, and family approach me after Shannon’s shows and ask, “Are you guys OK?”
I tell them I encouraged her to do this, and nobody laughs harder than I do when she talks trash about me. That kind of openness, honesty, and communication will sometimes hurt, but I look for the positive, laugh about it, and move on.
Our marriage has rough patches, but it’s very healthy because we always compromise. We have yet to summit a hill worth dying on.
We’ve since moved again
We moved to Alabama in March 2021 when Shannon found a role at a local manufacturing firm with a salary increase. She also started her own business, Remembrara.com, which uses virtual recordings to make it easy for families separated by distance to share memories.
Our two youngest children are now in high school, and two others still live with us. The other day, my teenage daughter and her friend called me into the room to play on Snapchat with them.
They want me to be a part of their lives, to interact with them and their friends. Having that relationship with them is everything to me.
A while ago, I had a wonderful moment with my father when he saw me doing some conflict resolution with my children. He said, “You’re a better father than I am.” Hearing him say that out loud, I believed he saw something there, and I know this is where I should be.
As our kids grow older, they’re not rejecting us
Shannon and I rejected a lot of what our parents taught us, and maybe this is a situation where we’re better for it.
Since we’ve been open-minded, seeing the world through their eyes, and not conforming them to our world, our kids aren’t rejecting us and trying to run away.
Now that the kids are older, I spend more time in my recording studio and on my passion for photography. I’ve also started managing the social media for a local business. I still love being at home when the kids return from school.
