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I’m a parenting expert, and I know raising children can be tricky, especially in today’s accelerated, unpredictable, fear-based world. But challenges will be a regular part of their lives, and we must help kids become resilient so they can bounce back from those tough times and handle whatever comes their way.
In fact, I believe that kids whose parents do let them fail are more resilient, more confident, and ultimately more successful than kids with parents who swoop, hover, and rescue.
That’s because each time we rescue, overprotect, or coddle, we send children a harmful message: “We don’t believe you’re capable of doing that alone.” So, kids learn to depend on us to pick up their pieces, and there goes their chance to learn to bounce back.
The very next time you want to swoop in to help — don’t. Instead, step back and subscribe to a new parenting behavior: “Never do for your child what your child can do for themself.”
Here are five ways to do so from the book I wrote with Julia Cook titled “I Got This!”
Stop problem-solving
Jumping in to fix your kids’ problems teaches them to expect you will always pick up the pieces and robs them of resilience.
Instead, teach your kids how to brainstorm so they can solve their own problems. Calmly say: “Name what’s bothering you.” Then, encourage your child to brainstorm solutions. You can even call it “The Solution Game.”
With enough practice, kids can use brainstorming techniques to solve issues that creep up without our help.
Help them come up with a plan for the next time
If we want to raise world-ready, bounce-back kids, they must learn that setbacks are part of life.
Instead, stay calm and help your child develop what I call a “Turn Around” plan. Ask: “What went wrong? What will you do differently next time?”
Set an example for them. When you mess up, show them what you learned and how you will change in the future. Resilient children recognize that mistakes are not life sentences, increasing their confidence.
Don’t let them slip into negativity
Kids can be hard on themselves and can get stuck in negative thinking patterns that reduce their potential to bounce back.
Alternatively, help your child identify a positive statement to stay in control of tough situations.
Some ideas: “I’ll get through it,” “I got this,” or “It’s OK; I’ll get it.”
Encourage kids to repeat their chosen upbeat phrase until they can use it on their own.
Tip: You might repeatedly use the phrase until your outer voice becomes your child’s inner voice that helps them rebound.
Break down goals, so they’re more manageable
Some kids give up because they feel overwhelmed. Reducing tasks into smaller, manageable parts also reduces worries and boosts children’s confidence.
Suppose your child is overwhelmed with their math homework. Instead of coddling them, tell your kid to “chunk your worry” by “covering all your math problems with paper except the top row. Then, as each row is completed, lower the paper down to the next row and the next.”
Suppose your kid fears swimming. You can say: “Today, put your big toe in the water.” The next day, they can put in an ankle, then a knee, and finally their whole body. With each phase, they can feel a sense of accomplishment.
Teach your kid to regulate their response
Taking slow, deep breaths and then exhaling twice as long as the inhale gets oxygen to the brain and can help kids stay in control-especially during hard times.
Instead of reacting to your kid’s stress, say: “Just breathe! Take a big inhale from down in your tummy and exhale from your lips.”
Teach younger children with soap bubbles. Tell them: “See how slowly and far you can blow your worries away without popping the bubble.”
With enough practice, kids will learn to become their own regulators and be calmer when challenges arise.
The good news is that resilience is not locked into DNA, ZIP codes, or temperament. And it’s never too late or early to help children learn to rebound. Doing so may be their best hope to handle an unpredictable world.
