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- When my son came home from college, he spent the night at a friend’s house without telling me.
- We learned that communication is the most important — even though he is more independent now.
- We are still learning the balance between friend time and family time.
My son went to college about an hour and a half away, which was far enough away that he needed to live on campus. But it was close enough that he could pop home for a weekend. I was thrilled.
One of the first times he returned home over the holidays, he visited a high school friend in the evening. When I woke up in the morning, his bed was empty. I knew, logically, that he was probably still at his friend’s. But as his mother, I was worried.
When he came home later that morning, we talked. He said they’d stayed up late chatting. It was snowing. He decided to stay over but didn’t want to text at 2 a.m. and wake me up. These were all very reasonable decisions.
I told him I knew he didn’t have to tell anyone if he went to a friend’s on-campus dorm or apartment and ended up crashing for the night. But when he’s home, his parents worry. I’d much rather be woken up by a 2 a.m. text than wake up to the chilling realization that he wasn’t there in the morning.
It was a simple misunderstanding. It was also the first time I realized that he was a full-fledged adult and things wouldn’t be the same. Here are a few tips that helped us navigate this new phase of life.
I understand he’s becoming more independent
I know my son is much more independent now than when he lived at home. He’s doing all the stereotypical college kid tasks like laundry and grocery shopping. He’s responsible for registering for classes, buying his books and materials, and handling the logistics of being in school.
With those extra responsibilities, he also gets extra freedom at school. I don’t know where he is unless I call or text him, and he chooses to tell me. He makes hundreds of small decisions year-round that I don’t even know about.
When he’s home with us, he doesn’t have a curfew, which has been a weird adjustment for me. But he does let us know if he’s planning to go out and if there’s a chance he might spend the night at a friend’s. I don’t think of it as checking up on him. I think of it as all of us being considerate of each other. It helps us to plan for dinner and to know whether to include him in any family activities that day.
We learned to juggle family time and friend time
It can hurt to admit it, but we’re not the only people my son wants to see when he comes home. Holidays mean his high school friends are also back in town.
He’s part of a tight-knit group, and despite going their separate ways for college, they’re still close. I’m glad. I want him to have healthy friendships. But it means we have to work out when he’ll be with us as a family and when he’ll see his friends.
I let him know if we’re planning something where I would like everyone together. Holiday meals are important to us. But we also drive to the mountains the day after Thanksgiving to cut down our Christmas tree, and I love having the whole family there.
He and I both try to be flexible. I don’t care which day we cut down a tree, so we can switch if he has plans. He’s also willing to rearrange outings with friends. If we talk things out and compromise, no one person’s feelings are always ignored.
I want my son to build good relationships with his friends, but I appreciate that he values what’s important to us as a family as well. I also want him to look forward to coming home. If we constantly make him feel guilty for spending time with others, this won’t be an inviting place.
There can be challenges with younger siblings
I’ll admit that it took me a while to realize how self-sufficient my son has become. It was also hard for his younger siblings.
For example, our kids can have a soda on the weekends but not during the week. When my college kid came home and reached for a soda on a Wednesday, his siblings lost their minds.
We explained that they would be allowed to make more independent decisions about what was good for them as they got older. While I didn’t ask my older son to stop drinking soda during the week, I did ask if he could be a little less obvious about it.
It can be tricky when you send your kid off to college, only to have him return as more of an adult the next time you see them. But that is the point. My job is to teach my kids to be more independent so that, eventually, they can take care of themselves.
