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- I met my partner when I was seven years sober.
- Although I was far into my sobriety journey, some of his drinking habits triggered me.
- I told him my concerns, and we built a relationship on open communication.
I met my husband a few days after my seventh sobriety anniversary. I don’t even remember when I first told him that I no longer drank because it simply wasn’t a big deal for me by that point.
I’d lost any lingering embarrassment over being someone in recovery. My now-husband must’ve taken the news in stride; otherwise, I’m sure I would recall that first sobriety conversation better.
But as we got more serious, I realized we needed to have harder discussions. Some of those are more memorable because I had to be more vulnerable, and his response, if negative, could have ended our relationship.
My then-boyfriend started to trigger my addiction
Because of my history with addiction, I am aware of my boundaries to avoid relapse. For example, in the first year of sobriety, I couldn’t live in a home with alcohol. It was too early for me and too scary to have temptation that close.
With time, things got easier. A year into sobriety, I was less easily triggered and moved in with a friend who kept bottles of wine in the house. I didn’t ask her to remove them; I had enough discipline and trust in myself at that point.
When I met my husband, I could handle most bars and parties without being tempted. Having a partner who drank wasn’t a dealbreaker for me, but I still needed boundaries within the relationship to protect my sobriety.
I realized some situations were triggering me as our relationship developed. It wasn’t easy to share that a situation tempted me after all that time without drinking. But my sobriety had been too hard-won to risk skating over the issue.
I shared how going out to dinner was difficult because he ordered cocktails every time, and the frequency was too much for me. I also let him know I was uncomfortable seeing him tipsy and that it made me feel unsafe even though I knew he was safe. And later, when we bought our home, we went shopping for a liquor cabinet for him. It’s not hard to have alcohol in the house, but bottles visible on the counter for long periods are more difficult for me.
In some cases, we struggled through these conversations. I couldn’t even tell him why some things were more triggering than others. It took some back-and-forth to get to a place of understanding. He asked questions and did his best to listen and take action. This new territory was uncomfortable for both of us. But with every hard talk, we got a little better at it. And we always reached an agreement that felt like a step forward.
We now have a relationship built on open communication
Looking back, I can honestly see how helpful my sobriety has been in fostering our communication, forcing us to have some serious conversations early on. I had to be shamelessly vulnerable. My partner had to respond with empathy and action. I’m grateful he took me seriously.
We were also forced to dig deep and state our feelings clearly, including why some things rubbed me the wrong way. It was one of the best things that happened in building our relationship.
Here we are, four years later, married, and my 11th year of sobriety just celebrated.
No one should risk their sobriety for a relationship
I don’t share my boundaries for anyone to compare their own. Everyone in sobriety has their personal level of need when it comes to distance or safety from substances. I’ve had weaker and stronger seasons, and my boundaries are mine. There’s no shame in requiring an alcohol-free home.
If you’ve worked hard to get sober, don’t risk something so precious to meet anyone else’s standard. Ask for what you need to be healthy in your relationships.
My husband and I have discussed that if I go through a season of feeling more triggered, we would remove any alcohol from our home, and he would abstain completely. The level of support is there, no matter if the needle on the gauge changes. Some hard things can surprise you and turn into an advantage. It worked that way for us.
