How to get people to do what you want and still like you in 3 steps, from a leadership expert

One of the biggest challenges for any leader is figuring out how to hold people accountable for their mistakes without creating bad blood. In those situations, playing the blame game is always a losing strategy, according to leadership expert and bestselling author Michael Timms.

The secret to calling out poor performance while maintaining a positive relationship with employees is to own up to your own mistakes first so you can inspire others to do the same, Timms said in a TED Talk in January. It’s a strategy called “modeling accountability.”

Timms, the founder of management consulting firm Avail Leadership, noted that he and other leaders often fall into the same trap: “blaming other people for a problem without considering my part in it.”

“[This is] something I teach management teams: You can’t inspire accountability in others until you model it yourself,” he said.

He provided an example from a construction company he’d previously advised, where team meetings often devolved into a series of accusations, as blame got spread around without any viable solutions being presented. This typically resulted in distrust among co-workers while mistakes kept being repeated.

Taking Timms’ advice, the general manager started their next meeting by taking personal responsibility for his own contributions to problems, which inspired other workers to chime in and admit their own mistakes.

“The mood in that meeting changed instantly,” Timms said. “Before others will allow us to hold them accountable, they must first see us hold ourselves accountable.”

Timms shared an example from his own family. His three daughters weren’t ready to leave the house in time to attend an important event, despite Timms and his wife “nagging [them] long before it was time to leave,” he said. Timms was “starting to lose it.”

Then he paused and, rather than chastising his kids, he realized he should take accountability for his own contributions to the problem and come up with some solutions.

“I put big clocks everywhere and posted the schedule in a common area,” he said. “You know what? It actually worked. Now we’re not perfect at getting out the door in time, but it’s much better than it was.”

Timms recommends adopting three simple but “powerful” habits to help improve other people’s performance without turning them against you:

“Habit one: Don’t blame. Habit two: Look in the mirror. Habit three: Engineer the solution,” he said.

Putting these habits into effect “has an almost magical effect on other people’s behavior,” according to Timms. “You get better results. But this isn’t just for CEOs and managers. We’re all trying to help others be better, right? As a parent, a coworker or a volunteer.”

It’s an important lesson for leaders who want to inspire better performance from employees without creating lasting damage to morale, Timms said. When leaders focus too much on doling out blame, it “kills accountability,” and create a toxic atmosphere where accusations fly back and forth while the root issues often get overlooked.

“In cultures of blame, people hide problems or point their finger at someone else,” he said. “No one is going to take accountability if they think they’re going to be blamed for doing so. Blame destroys teamwork, problem solving, learning and initiative.”

Want to master your money this fall? Sign up for CNBC’s new online course. We’ll teach you practical strategies to hack your budget, reduce your debt, and grow your wealth. Start today to feel more confident and successful. Use code EARLYBIRD for an introductory discount of 30% off, now extended through September 30, 2024, for the back-to-school season.

Plus, sign up for CNBC Make It’s newsletter to get tips and tricks for success at work, with money and in life.