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- I thought I’d want to be a parent when I was younger, but I always put off making a decision.
- When I made a pros and cons list, I thought about how my parents would make good grandparents.
- But in the end, that wasn’t a good enough reason to have kids. I decided to remain child-free.
I never thought “making my parents grandparents” would be at the top of my list when weighing the pros and cons of having a baby. But I never thought I’d have to make a list, either. Nearing 40, I kept waiting to feel strongly one way or another. When that “you just know” moment never came, I sat down with a pen and pencil and hoped clarity would come.
I daydreamed a lot about having kids in my 20s; I pictured bouncy chairs, bath time, parks, strollers, and play dates. I had always assumed I’d be a mom, but in my 30s, I noticed that these daydreams had never turned into plans. I kept waiting for the longing and excitement my friends had as they started their families. But the moment never came.
I avoided making a decision, and then I realized what I wanted
The longer I avoided making a concrete decision, the less likely it seemed that parenthood would be for me. My husband was leaning toward the no-kids side, though he didn’t feel strongly about it either. I asked my parents how they felt, wondering if they’d be devastated without grandchildren. They just wanted me to be happy.
Last year, my IUD failed, and I found out I was pregnant. Surprise! The question that had been plaguing me over the last few years became a moot point — for about 12 weeks. After I lost the pregnancy, the relief was far greater than the grief. I finally knew I didn’t want kids.
I mourned what would never be but also felt immense joy about the future possibilities as a middle-age DINK. I’m perfectly happy being child-free with my disposable income, free evenings, lazy weekends, and video games before work. But it breaks my heart that means my parents won’t be grandparents.
My parents deserved to be grandparents, but that shouldn’t drive my decision
Here’s the thing: My parents would have made amazing grandparents. Every now and again, I’ll see baby items targeted at grandparents — a pregnancy announcement, cute T-shirts (that they totally would wear), or sassy baby onesies about tattling to grandma — and I’m filled with guilt. Despite their support of my decision, I know they would have taken great pride in being grandparents.
I see how my dad’s eyes light up around his baby nephew. Or how my mom glows as she spoils my cats with abandon. I bet my mother would teach my kid how to paint and play cards; my father would take them to the lake I grew up on and teach them chess. The kind of unconditional love they would have given their grandkids would’ve been profoundly beautiful. My parents deserve to have their retirement years filled with the whimsy and wonder a young one brings.
But that isn’t reason enough to have a baby. I know that in my heart. And they wouldn’t want that. My parents have always given me the space to build the life I wanted, not the one they wanted for me. Even though being child-free is right for me, sometimes I still think about what amazing grandparents they would be.
