Married couple Geena and James don’t always see eye-to-eye when it comes to money. Their main issue: how to navigate a vast income disparity.
Geena, 44, brings home a little over $555,000 a year as a corporate attorney in New York. Her husband, James, 39, is a freelance musician who earns around $60,000 a year. The couple enjoys Geena’s high salary, taking numerous luxury trips throughout the year while still investing around 14% of her gross income.
“I’ve always planned to take care of everything myself if I have to, and I’m happy — I’m so grateful that I can treat us and take care of us. But I hope that one day there will be less of a discrepancy between us,” Geena told self-made millionaire and money expert Ramit Sethi on a recent episode of his “I Will Teach You to be Rich” podcast. The couple’s last names were not used.
James said he wants to contribute more toward their lifestyle and retirement goals, but he knows he can’t match-up financially.
“Because I’m not able to contribute in the same way or in similar ways, therefore I just feel like I’m not enough,” James said on the podcast. “Doesn’t feel great.”
Sethi listened to the couple talk about their finances, lifestyle and how they both think about money. Here are three ways he said they can address their income disparity to improve their relationships with money and each other.
1. Figure out what you really want
James is unlikely to get his income up to the same level as Geena’s. But Geena’s frustration isn’t really about the dollar figure.
While Geena gladly contributes more dollar-wise to their household needs and savings, she looks to James for tasks like shopping for home essentials, which he often neglects, they told Sethi.
“Geena is not saying she expects James to make exactly $50,000 a month,” Sethi said. “Geena wants James to be engaged with money. I can understand her paying more for things like luxury hotels, but why is she the one ordering the [laundry] detergent?”
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Steve, 42, and Taylor, 39, faced a similar dilemma when they spoke with Sethi on a different episode. Taylor earns around $144,000 a year, while Steve makes around $36,000.
Steve had been under-employed for about eight years when he and Taylor spoke with Sethi. But from Taylor’s perspective, he wasn’t taking enough proactive steps, like networking and applying to jobs.
“Taylor wants Steve to want more for himself, to become a financial partner in their relationship,” Sethi said.
Though both women approached their conversations with Sethi by saying they wanted their husbands to earn more money, further reflection revealed that for both women, it’s not really about the numbers. They both want their partners to step up, whether that’s in their own careers or with household tasks.
2. ‘Master your own money psychology’
Part of the reason James isn’t earning more money is because he’s hesitant to raise his rates as a freelancer. This frustrates Geena, who is a go-getter who truly believes in James’s talents and abilities.
Sethi identified these mismatched views on money as another disparity causing tension in their relationship. Geena doesn’t understand why James doesn’t simply charge his customers more. James fears hiking his prices will scare off business.
“The solution is to fix your worldview of money and master your own money psychology,” Sethi said.
Geena said she was raised with a scarcity mindset that inspired her to push her career and salary as far as they could go so she would never worry about bills or buying things she wanted.
James, on the other hand, grew up as the “peacemaker” in his home. As a result, he falls into a similar mindset with his business, trying to “keep the peace” with his clients by keeping his prices low — even if that means his personal finances suffer.
Sethi said James is “playing small” by thinking he’s stuck in this financial position. Identifying the reasons behind his money mindset, then taking steps like enrolling in a course or reading a book to understand how to overcome it may help him tackle the problem.
3. Stop playing mom
Beyond being the breadwinners in their relationships, Geena and Taylor both also admitted to taking on mother-like roles with their husbands. They consistently remind their spouses to do tasks like shop for the home, apply to jobs or look for ways to increase their incomes, and do it themselves when when their husbands drop the ball.
“Sometimes I feel like I’m Mom. I’m planning things. I’m taking care of all the things,” Geena said. “[James] is not in his 20s, and I want us to be more equals in this way.”
Taylor agreed. “I felt like a mom disciplining her child,” she said of trying to motivate Steve to work harder.
In both scenarios, Sethi called out the women for allowing that dynamic to continue.
Both their husbands are capable and said they’re willing to do what’s asked of them. But by letting them off the hook when they make mistakes, their wives have fostered the sense that it’s OK for things to continue in this manner, Sethi said.
Sethi recommended both Geena and Taylor set boundaries and introduce actual consequences to give their husbands a chance to prove they can and are willing to make these changes.
For example, he suggests James and Geena set a dollar amount that James should reasonably be able to contribute to their joint account each month. And if he doesn’t hit that number, he may have to skip a vacation in order to stay home and work.
Sure, Geena could afford to bail him out if he’s had a bad month and still pay for both of them to go on vacation. But neither spouse would feel good about that.
“You sticking to your guns and following through on your commitment would engender more respect than anything else,” Sethi told them.
Check out Steve and Taylor’s episode here and Geena and James’s episode here.
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