This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Amy Porterfield, a 47-year-old founder and online marketing expert in Nashville. It’s been edited for length and clarity.
I never dreamed of becoming an entrepreneur. When I graduated, I got my first corporate job and assumed I’d climb the corporate ladder. I liked a steady paycheck, health insurance, and all the benefits of having a 9-to-5 job.
I was the director of content development for Tony Robbins for almost seven years. One day, Tony brought a group of internet marketers into a meeting. They were all successful entrepreneurs, and one thing they had in common was freedom. They called the shots, determined their hours, got to be as creative as they wanted, and didn’t have to answer to anyone. For the first time in my life, I wanted that.
I decided to go out on my own. It took about a year until I found the courage to devise a plan, but when I was 31, I started my own social media consulting business.
It was the scariest thing I’ve ever done, but it was the best decision I ever made. Now, I support both myself and my husband, Hobie.
At the time, my husband was becoming a firefighter
When I started my business, my husband was still a general contractor and contributed to the family finances while working to become a firefighter. We don’t have children together (I do have a stepson), and although I thought I might want kids one day, my desire to build something on my own, call the shots, and inspire others became bigger than my desire to have children.
I started making money in the first two years of my business, but I didn’t make as much money as I thought I would. My goal wasn’t to be the breadwinner of our family — I just wanted to find a way to make money on my own terms. It wasn’t until the third year that I realized what I was creating could be incredibly lucrative.
As my business grew, I started to make more money than my husband
I realized I was making more money than my husband in a tax meeting. We sat in front of our accountant, who shared our yearly salaries. I surpassed my husband by a lot.
Once he became a firefighter, my husband made about $100,000 a year. In my third year in business, I made $1 million in revenue. Last year, my revenue hit $20 million.
I remember leaving that meeting and my husband saying, “I didn’t realize it was that much more.” I asked him if he was OK with that, and he said it was weird to know his wife made more money than him, but he was proud of me.
Each year, it became more apparent that his salary was significantly less than mine. We had to discuss our feelings about being in different roles than we thought we would be in our marriage. The conversations never got heated and he never got upset about it.
We were honest with each other that we both assumed he would make more money than me, but when things turned out differently, he celebrated my success and I kept moving forward.
We started thinking about retiring my husband
Three years ago, we moved from California to Tennessee. I can move anywhere with my job, but it wasn’t easy for my husband to move to another state. As a firefighter, he would’ve had to start from scratch and move up the ranks again.
He’s still young and loved his job, but together, we concluded that his retirement was the best decision for our family. I was more in support of it than he was in the beginning. Firefighters can be gone for 24 hours at a time, and I hated him being gone so much.
At first, he wasn’t completely comfortable not making money to provide for us, but we often had to make sacrifices and change things around for his job. With my job, I can take a vacation whenever I choose and set my own hours. It just made sense so we could have more freedom.
Ultimately, it’s been a good decision for us, but we were both nervous for different reasons
He was concerned with not having a job that gave him purpose. I was afraid I’d resent him for not working. I didn’t want to feel frustrated that he could relax all day and do whatever he wanted.
The best thing I did was tell him the truth about this fear. He understood, and we set some guidelines. He manages our household and personal lives, and I make the money.
We clarified his new responsibilities to include errands, lawn work, laundry, appointments, car maintenance, and managing contractors and renovations. If we’re going to have people over, I create the menu and the overall vibe. We manage our investments and retirement accounts together, but he pays all the bills.
These roles are very different than how I was raised. My dad was the breadwinner, and my mom stayed home to raise me and my sister. I’m living a life that is very different than what I saw growing up.
My husband is a true alpha male, but that doesn’t mean he believes in traditional household roles. He was raised by a strong mom who worked outside the house and made most of their household money, so he was more open to a non-traditional dynamic.
There are challenges with our arrangement
A few times when I was working a lot and felt stressed and overwhelmed, I was jealous of his free time and less stressful days.
My favorite thing he’d say in those moments was, “How can I make this easier for you? What do you need from me?” Knowing he would help me was all I needed to know we were doing the right thing.
Sometimes, he’d love for me to shut it all down and be present with him, but I’m running a business and want and need to show up for my team. I love to work, and I love my business — it feels like an extension of me.
My husband told me he wishes he could reverse roles and succeed at my level, but that’s not our reality. “You make more money in a month than I made in a year as a firefighter. Instead of wishing it was me, I choose to be proud of you, support you, and be grateful for the life we get to live,” he said.
Being the breadwinner has made me a better leader, woman, wife, and friend
It’s allowed me to build a business with 23 full-time employees, most of them women and many of them mothers. I’m an example of a lifestyle many women might not think possible for them.
It’s also strengthened my marriage. Creating a life unlike most people’s status quo forces you to communicate more, say the things you don’t want to say but are necessary to grow, and show up in ways that stretch you.
