In February 2024, the question “What is emotional intelligence?” was Googled three times more than it was a decade ago, according to data from Google Trends.
The uptick in interest makes sense: in recent years everyone from CEOs to therapists have touted the benefits of having high emotional intelligence or EQ.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your own feelings and the feelings of those around you. Those who have higher EQ tend to be better at building relationships both in and outside of the workplace, and excel at defusing conflict.
EQ isn’t as easy to quantify as other types of skills because empathy and self-awareness are hard to measure.
One way to figure out whether or not you have high emotional intelligence is to think about the last few conversations you’ve had.
“Anything you say that demonstrates empathy and listening, I believe, signals higher emotional intelligence,” says Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University lecturer and communication expert.
Here are two things those with higher emotional intelligence do, according to Abrahams.
1. Paraphrase.
Summarizing what another person says indicates that you are listening and that you are correctly characterizing their message or story.
Some phrases you can use, according to Abrahams, include:
- “What I hear you saying is … “
- “Let me get this right … “
Then, paraphrase what they said.
“[These phrases] also happen to validate the person because it feels good to be summarized,” Abrahams says. “And that tends to build liking and trust, which are important and people who have high EQ tend to do this well.”
2. Ask questions.
People with high emotional intelligence demonstrate “deep, active listening” Abrahams says. You can show you’re engaged in a discussion by asking questions that have a more emotional leaning.
Abrahams offers up two examples:
- “How did that make you feel?”
- “What might have led you to that?”
Both show interest and concern for the other person.
The right body language can also help you demonstrate empathy, Abrahams says.
“Making eye contact, nodding your head, saying ‘uh huh,'” can all show you’re invested in the conversation.
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