When I was younger, I did a bunch of things that some might call dumb. I also did one thing that I was told was just a part of the life everyone was supposed to live: When I got married, I changed my last name to match my husband’s.
That decision has cost me a lot emotionally and financially.
Sixteen years later, I’m finally on the path to changing my name again since I can no longer bear to carry my ex’s name. That said, the process has been more expensive and bureaucratic than I expected, making me wish I had stuck to my maiden name from the beginning.
My family conditioned me to get married
Getting married to the person I did was a mistake in itself. I did it because my conservative upbringing told me this was what I was supposed to do. I was told my life path was getting married and having kids. I had already had a baby outside marriage, so when I met my ex-husband at work, I confided in him as a friend; later, that turned into a romantic relationship.
When we talked about getting married my soon-to-be-husband suggested that we should have the same last name because we planned to have kids together. He said that all of our names needed to match. Everything happened really fast, and I made a quick decision because I felt pressured to do so. I changed my name begrudgingly. Thankfully, I made sure that I gave our kids hyphenated last names with my maiden name so that they could have both names.
Our relationship ended in 2009.
I took the divorce as a step to get a fresh start
I did what I could to take the divorce as a welcome opportunity to step away from everything and attempt to start fresh in whatever ways I could. Unfortunately, changing my name after the divorce was harder than I expected.
While it might sound minor to some, it is actually expensive and complicated. I was not automatically given a name change when my divorce was finalized. I didn’t know this was the case. I’ve had to stick with the last name on the paperwork for decades despite not being together anymore.
I have to go to multiple agencies, each with their own costs, to be able to make the request and finalize things. I would need to get copies of divorce paperwork from a clerk, file a form requesting the change, and pay between $150 to $435, depending on the state it’s being filed in.
After things are finalized, I will also have to change all of my IDs. There is a cost to getting a new license and passport, for example. And there’s the added nonmonetary cost of time because it’s not super straightforward to get all the paperwork needed for each of these steps. Ultimately, name changes are not the quickest or easiest process for someone to do, yet it was so easy for them to make the change when I got married in the first place.
While I haven’t taken the steps to legally change my name again, I’ve decided to go by my maiden name. But not everyone respects that. My mother has insisted that she list me by my formerly married name instead of my chosen one in family obits, for example, saying that this was about “legality.”
I have come to learn how something as simple as a name change can be complex. With HR 22’s — also known as the SAVE Act — passing in the House, I regret changing my last name even more than I did before since it might make me ineligible to vote. People like me, whose birth certificate doesn’t match their legal name, could face difficulties registering to vote and updating their voter registration. A way around it would be getting a passport, but that comes with a price tag of $130.
There’s a lot of power in a name. That’s why I decided to take mine back.
