This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Tanya Mitra. It has been edited for length and clarity.
One of the highlights of my summer so far was a short getaway to the Texas hill country with my partner, Tyran. We did everything from hiking, visiting wineries, and floating on the river for three hours to relaxing over a movie at our Airbnb.
We didn’t spend a whole lot of time talking about the kids. We allowed ourselves to be spontaneous and just be us. As a couples coach, I’m intentional about taking the time to reconnect with my significant other.
Meanwhile, my son and our daughter were staying with other family members. Saiah, 12, spent eight weeks with his dad, my ex-husband, in New York City. Sevyn, 4, was with her paternal grandparents in Florida and Georgia for two weeks.
People often ask why I’m OK with being apart from my children for so long. The simple answer is that I know they’re with the people who love them most. Also, like me and Ty on our vacation, they’re making memories of their own.
I’m their mom, but I don’t have to be part of every memory and every piece of their lives.
My parents focused their attention on my son when he visited
Still, it’s taken me a while to get to this point. When Saiah was a baby, I was riddled with mom guilt. I worked for a luxury fashion company and traveled to Italy more than 50% of the year.
It was heart-wrenching trying to juggle my job as an executive with being a first-time mom who was away from my son so often. I’d wanted this career and motherhood so badly, and it was frustrating that I didn’t seem to be able to do both.
Then, I thought, “Maybe you need to make some new choices.” I found another job where I only had to travel to Paris twice a year. At first, my parents would travel with me for Fashion Week to watch Saiah. Then, as he got older, he would stay home with them in my native Toronto.
I became happy every time I returned to him, recognizing that he was having a great time with his grandparents, who focused all their attention on him.
Breaking up with his father wasn’t easy, but I realized how important it was for Saiah to spend time alone with his dad and figure out their relationship.
Ty and I moved from Brooklyn to Houston in 2022. So, for the last two summers, Saiah has spent seven or eight weeks with his dad in New York City. My ex is very creative and surrounds himself with beautiful, artistic people.
My kids are surrounded by people who love them and offer them alternative experiences
Yes, he is not me — and he will never be me — but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have experiences to share, love to give, and stories to pass on. My son needs to be around those who can give him things that I can’t.
It’s the same with Sevyn; She spent her time away from us with Ty’s mom in Orlando. Her grandmother took her to visit relatives in Savannah. I’m Indian, and my partner’s family is African American. Sevyn samples different cultures — including the food — with each set of grandparents. It’s opening up her world.
Our absence from each other works for me and the kids. I get the space to focus on myself and Ty, they experience life for themselves under the guidance and with the support of others.
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