- In 2010, one of the students at the English language program where I volunteered asked me to dance.
- We’ve been together for 14 years, and having open conversations is a big part of our relationship.
- We put in the effort to have open and honest conversations.
It was December 2010, and the English language learning program where I was a volunteer in Queens, New York, was hosting a party for graduates and volunteers. One of the students I’d been helping practice his conversational skills, who was around my age, asked me to dance. Feeling intimidated in a room full of people who seemed to move effortlessly in time with the music, I said no. My dad, who was also a volunteer, encouraged me to go back and dance anyway.
When taking pictures of us dancing, my dad also happened to take a video, and so now, 14 years later, we have a video of our first dance together.
I gave him my number even though I didn’t remember his name
Even though I wasn’t 100% sure what his name was (did he introduce himself as José or Roberto?) I offered to help with his applications if he decided to try going to college, as he’d mentioned.
When I gave him my phone number, he sent me messages in ALL CAPS.
Those texts would lead to our first date the following spring, a night of dancing at the Brooklyn Academy of Music, where I would end up speaking loudly and slowly as if we were still in class and where I would find out that his name was, in fact, José Roberto (and that he usually introduced himself to English speakers as José and Spanish speakers as his preferred name, Roberto).
That date would be followed by a picnic of Lunchables in Fort Tryon Park in Inwood at the tip of Manhattan, where an aspiring filmmaker spotted us and, unprompted, asked to take pictures of us together that we still have to this day.
Language brought us closer together
What could have been simply a fleeting romance developed into something more serious when the language barrier between us became the thing that brought us closer together. After a couple of months of dating casually, I wrote him an email about being afraid to date someone more seriously and potentially having my heart broken again after a bad breakup I’d been through a couple of years before.
And it was his response that made me fall in love with him. He asked if we could meet in person to talk things through, and when we did, he told me he’d read my email, not just once but several times, carefully to be sure he understood what I was saying. I had found what every writer — and perhaps every person — wants: a receptive audience, someone willing to listen without judgment. Someone who made me feel like what I had to say mattered and that my heart deserved to be treated with care.
Maybe because communicating was harder for us, we made the effort to speak honestly, simply, and without any room for confusion. That’s set a foundation of trust that’s led to us doing incredible things together.
He’s so easy to talk to
He did end up going to college — the first in his family, and I was inspired to get my MBA at the same time. We eventually got married, biked across the country together, moved across the country together twice, traveled through South America for six months together with our first baby, started a business together, visited 23 countries together (and counting), and had two kids.
Like any couple, we’ve experienced our share of miscommunications and conflict, with language and cultural differences in the mix.
I’ve learned to be very specific with my requests. When I was pregnant with our second child, I did get quite upset when he came home from Trader Joe’s with a plain chocolate bar instead of the almond, pretzels, and sea salt chocolate bark I was craving. And I’ve learned to get specifics when we do things with his friends and family. Going for “a drive” with his childhood best friend actually meant a full-day trip to a beach and amusement park an hour’s drive away.
In that email I sent him early on in our relationship, I wrote, “I haven’t been able to talk so easily with someone.” This is true to this day.
Though we have an infant at home, most nights, we still manage to fit in meaningful conversations about what’s going on in our lives and our hopes and dreams for the future — conversations that, like clockwork, put my mind at ease and him peacefully to sleep.
When we got married, in my wedding vows, I said that I knew Roberto was the one when he made me feel how my grandma said my grandpa made her feel — comfortable, just as she was. He fit her like an old glove, she always said. Roberto fit me like an old glove when we got married, and he’s grown even more comfortable today.
