- I apologize to my 7-year-old daughter and 2.5-year-old son to help teach them healthy respect.
- Growing up, apologies were scarce for me, which skewed my view of personal relationships.
- I’m teaching my children how to repair their relationships in life while also standing their ground.
I apologize to my 7-year-old daughter whenever I mess up. When she’s not listening, and I lose my cool and yell, I apologize for my reaction.
It doesn’t remove her culpability or the consequences of not listening. As the adult, however, my responsibility is to set an example of what acceptable behavior is and admit when I’m wrong.
All of this means I apologize, a lot. And the outcome has been incredible.
I apologize to my kids because I lacked that experience growing up
I can still remember the first time an adult ever apologized to me. I was in high school, having a terrible day, and wanted to escape by diving nose-deep into the Thomas Hardy novel “Tess of the d’Urbervilles.”
Instead, my English teacher insisted I help her with a project. With no book to hide behind, the tears started streaming down my face, and then it happened. My teacher looked at me surprised and genuinely apologized.
Her apology made me feel seen and respected in a way I hadn’t experienced growing up in a household where the adults were always right and didn’t take responsibility for what they said or did.
As a result, my idea of conflict resolution growing up was apologizing to keep the peace, even when I was the one who had been wronged. That misunderstanding eventually led me to accept a partner who said he didn’t apologize and that I’d just have to know when he was sorry.
Fast forward to my thirties, with a marriage, divorce, and two children under my proverbial belt, I’ve since learned better and make a point to apologize to my children.
I never want my daughter to feel like she doesn’t have a voice in our household or that her feelings matter any less because of her age. Though I’m still the parent and call the shots where it matters, I strive to create a respectful atmosphere in our house — starting with me.
I also apologize to my 2-and-a-half-year-old son, but those interactions are different, given his age.
Apologizing to my daughter has strengthened our bond
The way I see it, apologies are the key to start repair in any relationship: friendships, partnerships, marriages, business relationships, and — most importantly to me — in my relationship with my children.
This perspective has helped me build a relationship of trust, safety, and openness with my daughter that I hope to continue nurturing as she grows.
We spend a lot of time together. For example, we just got back from a mother-daughter trip to NYC.
Whether we’re reading, biking, cooking, shopping, or just holding hands while walking around, she asks me questions about anything — from big topics, like why we don’t live forever, to make-believe topics on fairies and dragons.
One side effect of my parenting approach that I didn’t expect is that my daughter knows it’s OK to be wrong and mess up.
I make mistakes all the time and openly admit to them. As a result, she knows that adults aren’t perfect and she’s safe in admitting her own faults because my love isn’t conditional on her behavior.
When she’s been in trouble at school, for example, she readily admits to me the context of what happened and her part in it.
Once, she even told me about something she did “wrong” that no one had witnessed, which opened up the floor for a conversation about conflict resolution with her peers.
I was shocked and proud when my daughter didn’t apologize to me
I look at my daughter and see so much of myself in her, though she has far surpassed me from where I was at her age.
Growing up, I couldn’t disagree or speak my truth without negative consequences, so I learned to be quiet and apologetic to keep everyone happy.
My daughter, on the other hand, is bold and outspoken, despite being shy at first. She stands up for herself more than I ever could and is filled with a type of quiet confidence that makes me so grateful.
She understands the true meaning of an apology and doesn’t simply do it to keep the peace between us. For example, there was one time when she really stepped on a nerve, and I told her why what she did upset me and that, when she was ready, I could really use an apology.
Much to my amazement, my sweet-voiced child kindly replied with, “Actually, mommy, I don’t have anything to say sorry for. You weren’t listening to what I was trying to say and I actually didn’t do what you said I did. This is what I was trying to say,” and then she explained her perspective.
Hearing her side of the situation not only made sense but also made me beam with pride that she didn’t apologize for the sake of doing so.
In that moment, she was not in the wrong, knew that, and felt safe enough to stand up to me and respectfully argue her side.
It’s my hope that both she and her brother continue on this path of being able to repair their own relationships in life while also standing their ground.
