This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Padideh Jafari, founder and CEO of Jafari Law & Mediation Office. It has been edited for length and clarity.
As a divorce attorney, I spend a lot of time thinking about what makes a marriage succeed or fail. We’ve all heard of hopeless romantics. I like to think of myself as a hopeful romantic — and a realist.
I’m currently married and have been with my partner for six years. Before that, I was single for eight years after divorcing my first husband.
I’ve made a firm commitment to avoiding the most common mistakes that land couples in my office. Here are the ways that you can avoid them, too, and keep your marriage healthy.
Don’t prioritize work (or kids) over your marriage
You absolutely cannot prioritize your career over your marriage. This is true for men and women. One of my clients was a touring musician who spent a lot of time away from home. He was surprised when his wife filed for divorce, but I wasn’t. He might have thought he was there for her, but his actions showed he was choosing his career over his family.
The same can be said for kids. Of course you love your children and need to look after their physical and emotional needs, but don’t forget your spouse. My nephew has young children and I regularly watch his kids so he can have one-on-one time with his wife. That’s so important.
Don’t fall into social media temptation
From reconnecting with old flames to secret messages, social media is fueling modern divorces. As soon as you start checking in on the profile of an old boyfriend or girlfriend, you’ve crossed a line. Now, instead of thinking about your spouse, you’re thinking about this old love. This plants a seed where suddenly you’re considering other options and what life might look like with someone other than your spouse.
Social media makes us think that the grass may be greener somewhere else. But as a married person, you should be thinking about your own home — watering and fertilizing your own lawn to make it beautiful alongside your spouse.
Don’t just communicate, comprehend
Before I was an attorney, I was a communications major. In both roles, I saw that people often talk without actually listening to what the other person is saying. This can happen in innocent ways, like when we rush to finish our spouse’s sentence because we know what they’re going to say.
Still, it can lead to frustration and resentment. Try to pause and be present in conversations. Don’t make assumptions. Ask your spouse questions to know more.
You can’t do this in every conversation, but if you make time to do it each week, you might notice a big difference in the quality of your communication.
Don’t rush
You know that old saying, “Only fools rush in”? I’ve come to believe it’s true. If you’re going to be together forever, there’s no reason to get married quickly.
Instead, take time to see your spouse in different seasons of life, literally and figuratively.
Get to know them in different settings, like with family, friends, and colleagues. Watch how those people interact with your partner, and see what it tells you about the person your partner really is.
This is especially true for second marriages. Statistically, second marriages are even more likely to fail than first marriages, so take time to make sure it’s right.
Marriage can be a beautiful thing, but it requires work and intention in addition to love.
