- Gaslighting is when someone lies and deliberately makes you question your own reality.
- A therapist said it’s the most overused therapy-speak term and is rarely used correctly.
- She shared the differences between gaslighting and just having different points of view.
Therapy-speak terms like “gaslighting” and “narcissist” have risen in popularity as mental health awareness has grown, but it can be risky to throw these words around in personal relationships.
“If you turn to a clinical term and blame the other person for everything going wrong, you rob yourself of the chance to self-reflect and to grow in positive ways,” said Isabelle Morley, a couples therapist who wrote the upcoming book “They’re Not Gaslighting You.”
Gaslighting, in her experience, is the most misused phrase.
Morley shared the signs someone is actually gaslighting you, and how to know if they aren’t.
A person acts like their reality is the only correct one
Inspired by the 1938 stage play and 1944 movie adaptation “Gaslight,” “gaslighting” is a popular way to describe when someone deliberately lies to make you doubt your own reality.
Morley said the core feature of gaslighting is one person behaving as if their reality is the only correct one. Some people, like the villain from “Gaslight,” concoct a web of lies for nefarious reasons. Others are just emotionally immature and unable to accept a different point of view.
That doesn’t mean it’s gaslighting if someone can’t understand your point of view. Someone can just not understand your experience or what you’re going through, and that lack of understanding is not ‘gaslighting,'” Leah Aguirre, a licensed clinical social worker, previously told Business Insider.
If you suspect someone is gaslighting you, ask them to acknowledge that your perspective is different. Going to therapy can be helpful, too.
If they can own up to having two separate views of reality, even if they’re in direct conflict, that’s a sign that they’re willing to see nuance and compromise. True gaslighters will double down and continue making you feel like you can’t trust yourself — even in the presence of a therapist, from Morley’s experience.
It’s probably not gaslighting if: They can validate how you feel while still disagreeing with you.
They can’t admit to lying
Morley said many people use “gaslighting” to refer to another person lying to them, but that’s not always correct.
“While all gaslighting involves lying, not all lying is gaslighting,” she said.
For example, if a person accidentally hurts your feelings with a harsh joke, they might respond with “I didn’t say that!” In that case, they’re probably not lying because they want to deceive or dominate you, but because they feel shame or fear losing the relationship if they’re honest. People-pleasers might compulsively lie because they anticipate getting in trouble.
Morley said the big difference is whether someone can admit to a lie rather than commit to it. “That person has to be faced with the fact that it’s a lie and it’s doing some damage,” she said.
The first step is for them to feel vulnerable, which will be hard if they’re labeled a “gaslighter.”
It’s probably not gaslighting if: They can own up to to their mistakes.
The gaslighting escalates over time
True gaslighting is hard to spot from just one incident. It usually starts off small and escalates to bigger deception.
One of the best ways to spot gaslighting is to notice other patterns of abuse. “It’s very rare that somebody has a healthy relationship and then during fights, the partner legitimately gaslights the other person,” Morley said.
Since gaslighters can’t acknowledge opposing points of view or admit to making mistakes, they blame other people in conflicts. It’s incessant, making you feel run-down and depleted.
For someone who is willing to talk things out with you, a “gaslighter” label can feel judgmental and shut down conversations, Morley said. It can also detract from how you feel.
Gaslighters won’t care what you call them, anyway. They’ll be furious you called them out at all.
It’s probably not gaslighting if: You otherwise feel secure and happy in the relationship.
